


Here, Without You (is no place I want to be)

by Tippytap



Category: The Losers (Comic)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Canonical Character Death, Cougar has ptsd, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mentions of PTSD, Sharing a Bed, Suicidal Thoughts, Though no actual suicide is committed, graphic description of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21625969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tippytap/pseuds/Tippytap
Summary: The world is saved, and Jensen is left alone.
Relationships: Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez/Jake Jensen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Here, Without You (is no place I want to be)

**Author's Note:**

> It's been awhile since I read the comics, I apologize for any inaccuracies.

Jensen is staring, staring without seeing, at the photograph in his hands.

It doesn't matter. He'd long ago committed it to memory.

It's of Cougar.

From years ago. Before the children. Before Max.

He'd been the one to take it.

Cougar is in the process of cleaning his gun, relaxed and loose, his hat tipped back on his head, and though he's looking up at the camera with just a minute smile, his eyes are dancing. He'd been laughing, in his unique, silent, way, at something Jensen had said. It'd been quite a dirty joke, and it had surprised Jensen. So he'd quickly taken the picture. To save it for posterity, he'd said.

The tears that had been streaming down his face for so long, dry abruptly, replaced instead by a horrific pain in his gut, traveling upwards to lance into his chest. It feels as though someone has just sucker-punched him. And he can't breath.

He bends in on himself, taking in great, sucking, breaths. The sound is horrible, echoing in the small space, even to his own ears. He's alone in their shitty motel room, curled on a thin, twin mattress with a threadbare olive green blanket. Pooch is out somewhere, giving him distance. A wise choice, Jensen thinks.

"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck!_

* * *

When they had first met, Jensen had immediately become smitten. Not in a 'love at first sight' kind of way (he was far too cynical for that), but more in a 'what a mother _FUCKING_ _badASS!_ ' way. Cougar was good at what he did, he always managed to stay cool under pressure, and he looked awesome doing it. Jensen had wanted to have a piece of that badassery, so he'd taken to trailing Cougar around, hoping to learn as much as possible before he was inevitably told to fuck off.

But that never happened. Cougar seemed to genuinely enjoy his company, actively seeking him out during missions, or while on leave.

Cougar held a sadness about him. Something terrible had happened (this was before Jensen had joined the team) and while he never told anyone what it was, it's mark was left on him. He rarely slept, and when he did it was fitful, often bringing him literally screaming out of sleep. Or, on his better days, jolting up with wild eyes, gasping and reaching for his gun, slick with the cold sweat of fear. He refused to talk to anyone about it, not even Jensen, not even later on into their relationship, when they became almost inseparable. This was the thing he couldn't bear to dredge up.

It wasn't long into their first mission together as 'the Losers' that Cougar had a bad dream. He and Jensen were bunking together because, frankly, none of the others could stand to be alone with either one of them for too long. Cougar's silences and constant observation were unsettling, and Jensen's perpetual, erratic, motion and borderline creepy attitude towards all things electronic was known to fray the most steadfast and long suffering of nerves. And in their outfit, those were already in fairly short supply.

But Cougar and Jensen didn't mind each other, in fact they got along very well together. They had the same weird sense of humor, and they each took and gave what they were lacking in, or had abundance of.  
They were yin and yang.  
Complimentary.

So there they were, back in their room. The mission had been successful, and they were shipping out in the morning. Jensen was on his bed, doing who the fuck actually _knew_ what on his laptop, and Cougar was stretched out on his own bed, asleep. Jensen was the only one Cougar would truly sleep in front of.

When the nightmare first started Cougar stayed silent, even in his sleep he seemed to be able to contain himself. But as it progressed, he started to thrash, screaming in hoarse Spanish.

Jensen was there in the space of moment. "Cougar?" His voice was calm but insistent, worry just tingeing the edge. "Coug? Hey bud, it's me. We're safe here, huh? Wake up." As he was speaking, he placed his hands on Cougar's arms, to try and soothe him awake.

As soon as he was touched, Cougar shot upright, eyes wide and open, but unseeing. His right elbow caught Jensen squarely in ribs, and with his other hand, punched him in the mouth. Jensen's breath left him with wheeze and his teeth split and bloodied his lips. But he didn't leave. He kept talking, trying to maintain a calm and even voice. The others had rushed back to them, but when he saw them Jensen shook his head and motioned for them to leave the room.

The click of the latch seemed to jolt Cougar, and his eyes focused. Taking in Jensen's bloody face, and his hands on his arms, he got up, straightened his shirt, and stalked from the room, closing the door behind him. All this had taken a matter of minutes.

When Cougar returned hours later, slinking in in the still, early hours of the morning, he found Jensen sitting on his bed, waiting for him. He'd fallen asleep, propped up against the head of the bed, but when Cougar entered the room, with the barest whisper of noise, his eyes flickered open.

"Hey, man." A sleepy smile. Cougar frowned at the bruising on the corner of his mouth. Jensen sat up straighter, dragging a hand through his hair. "Where've ya been?" A yawn. "I was worried." Cougar steps closer to the bed.

" _Lo siento_." His voice is rough.

"What for?" Jensen looks puzzled. "You haven't done anything." He pauses "…Have you?"

Cougar gestures at him, and the action seems almost helpless. "For that…. I am sorry."

"Sit down." Jensen pats the bed beside him. "Seriously. Sit down." His tone makes it very clear that he will not take no for an answer. "Sit with me" he repeats, "We need to talk." So Cougar does so, discomfort emanating from every tight line of his body.

"Okay first off," Jensen begins " I am not angry. So don't keep on worrying. People have punched me for _far_ less." He tries for a grin "….Never mind. Anyway, I'm not bothered and you shouldn't be either and I really hope this doesn't make things awkward between us, because I like hanging out with you. And if you ever want to talk about it-"

"No...Never."

Jensen's mouth twitches, but he nods. "Alright. Fair enough, but if you ever need to," He places a hand on Cougar's shoulder. Lightly at first, to test the waters, then with a firmer, more stabilizing, grip. "I'm here for you. No matter what." He turns Cougar's face to look him full on. "You understand me?" Cougar's eyes flicker with… something. " _Sí_."

"Good!" Jensen flops back on the bed. "Now come lay down, I'm tired."

Cougar's eyebrows jump, he looks surprised. "With you?"

"Yeah?" He spreads his arms and legs "I'm cozy. You won't regret it." He grins "Come on, cuddle with Jensen the octopus." He wiggles.

Cougar hasn't moved. "I don't want to hurt you." He makes an abortive motion, as if he'd wanted to touch Jensen's face, then folds his fingers together in his lap.

"You won't." Jensen sounds nonchalant, at ease. "I can take whatever you give out." A wink "I'm a tough boy." He yawns again. "Now, seriously. I am very tired and I want to sleep. Rest with me."

Against his better judgement Cougar lays down beside him, tucking into the curve of Jensen's body. Jensen makes a sleepy, contented, sound and slings an arm over Cougar's ribs. "Goodnight, buddy." Cougar murmurs his goodnight, and is soon asleep.

When Cougar wakes the next morning, he finds that he actually feels rested. And his brain is quieter than it has been for months.

It is the beginning of a habit for them. Not always, not every time, but often, they share a bed.

They always share a room.

* * *

Jensen starts to notice his feelings change after about a year. Instead of just being cool and action hero-esque, Cougar now seems….sexy.

He tries to squash that thought whenever it rears it head, but the more he fights it, the more he notices all the incredible things Cougar does.

So he starts to catalog them.

The way Cougar's fingers feel against his skin when he checks him after a mission.

The scent of Cougar's skin as he lies next to him, gunmetal and oil, the leather still clinging to his hair from his hat.

Sometimes Cougar's breath will stutter in his sleep, and there is a darker musk to accompany the others.

Jensen tries not to think too hard about the cause of that.

The way Cougar's eyes light up when he thinks something is funny. Or how he can still look like a excited boy when cool stuff happens, like explosions, even after all he's been through and seen.

Cougar loves to read, so Jensen tries his best to keep him in material. He'll read almost anything. Sometimes the quality is so dismal that it makes Jensen shudder just to give it to him, but he always seems pleased, no matter what the book.

Except, for that one time… Jensen didn't know what was so terrible about it, but Cougar had ended up actually setting it on _FIRE_ , which Jensen thought was a bit of an overreaction, but Cougar had just frowned, and stood stubbornly by his decision.

It's when he takes Cougar's picture that he realizes how far gone he is. It hits him like a thunderbolt between the eyes, and just he sits there, holding the camera, and feeling dazed.

Luckily, (and oh, what an odd life he leads that he can use 'luckily' in this context) they were ambushed and under fire a moment later. Cougar had been cleaning his gun, and it took everyone else a moments scrambling to get their weapons. They were definitely caught with their pants down that day. It turned out to be a very teachable moment, and they made sure it never happened again.

Jensen ends up getting shot in the shoulder and thigh, and it hurts like a son of a bitch, but he can only be glad it happened before he blurted out anything embarrassing.

Clay and Roque lay down a blanket of cover fire and Pooch tries to get them the fuck outta dodge. Cougar hauls him into the back of the truck, swearing fiendishly in Spanish.

He looks around him, fuzzy from shock and blood loss. Cougar is tending to his wounds, trying to stop the bleeding, and he looks equal parts pissed and worried.

In Jensen's haze, it looks as though he is glowing.

Jensen blinks, and tries to focus. "Hey, Cougs? Are you an angel? Cause it sure looks like it from down here."

Cougar looks up from Jensen's wounds, alarmed.

He shouts up at Pooch, something about 'move your ass!'? Jensen doesn't know.

Cougar takes his hand and squeezes, "You'll be fine, Jake." His face clouds over just a little, "You can hear me, yes?" Then he's back to trying to stop Jensen from bleeding to death in the back of the truck.

Jensen looks down at his hand, up at Cougar's face, then back down to his hand again.

"Oh I am so _fucked!_ "

He then proceeds to pass out.

As he fades, he thinks he sees Cougar lunge for him, trying to catch his head before it cracks on the metal. Jensen can't be bothered to care anymore, everything hurts, and he just wants to go away for awhile.

When he wakes, Couager is sitting in a chair beside him, his face smooth, and calm. But Jensen can see the stress and tension, pulling under the surface. "Hey Cougs." Oh, _sweet hell!_ Why does his throat hurt so much? "How's it hangin'?" Cougar smiles, and his shoulders lose their rigidity. He helps Jensen with a drink of water after he starts coughing, and tells him that he has been out for a day an a half. He then goes to update the others.

As he leaves, he touches Jensen's shoulder. Just lightly, but it feels like a burn.

Once he's alone, Jensen takes stock of himself. He aches, all over. He's got lump the size of a golf ball on his head, his leg is stiff, and he feels like he could eat a horse, but other than that, he's fine.

He's been bandaged, cleaned, and cared for.

…..and loaded down with a newfound realization.

He's in love with the best friend he's ever had.

* * *

Cougar had fallen in love almost immediately. It was ridiculous and a bit clichéd he suppposed, but than again, he'd always been a little bit of a romantic.

Cougar thought Jensen was beautiful, right down to his spiked hair and those absurd glasses. He was frighteningly intelligent, and though he was their tech guy, he was also a solider, and just as fierce and capable as the rest of them. Most people forgot that. That was a mistake they never got the opportunity to make again.

When Jensen started following him around, Cougar could only admit that he encouraged it, he liked Jensen's company.

Listening to him talk about his interests (of which the two of them had a surprisingly large overlap), whatever project he was currently working on, or hearing him brag about just how badly he was going to decimate his unlucky target through the power of his electronic mastery, it settled something within Cougar.

If Jensen was talking then Cougar could relax and let down his guard, just a little bit. As Jensen had proven time and time again, he would always have an eye on him. Looking out for, and defending, him. He was dependable, and Cougar could trust him.

And Cougar did.

So he tried to put as much into their relationship as he got out of it.

This was not his strong suit.

But Jensen seemed to understand perfectly, what all his little gestures and fragmented sentences meant. He knew that Cougar was actually _trying_ , and that of course made all the difference.

One thing Cougar had hit on, a nice, non-verbal way to show his fondness and appreciation for Jensen's companionship, was gifts.

They were never anything big. Usually a trinket or bauble, maybe a small piece of tech equipment (he'd had Jensen teach him what it all meant so he could understand him better, but that didn't mean he was an expert in actually _applying_ that particular branch of knowledge), but they were always chosen with care.

He never gave him junk, or something he couldn't use, that would only end up getting in the way. They were usually practical, with a fun or odd twist that he knew would be Jensen approved. Rarely were they frivolous.

Jensen loved them all. Depending on the gift, and the occasion given, he would often playfully rub it the other guys faces, going on and on about how he was Cougar's favorite. No ever contradicted him.

Cougar had been the one to give Jensen his pirate hat.

He'd been doing a grocery run when he'd seen it. The town they were staying in was having some sort of pirate festival and those things were everywhere.

He knew Jensen would love it. True, he'd felt rather foolish, paying for a pirate hat along with their other necessities, but he was sure the look on Jensen's face would be worth it.

When he got home, Jensen had been sitting there, blissfully hacking away in his underwear, to the obvious discomfort of the rest of their group (and Cougar's private delight, he loved it when Jensen did things like that.) And Cougar had simply walked by and plonked it on his head.

"Hey! What gives?" Jensen demands, jerking his head around to look at Cougar. The hat slips down halfway, covering up one eye.

Cougar thinks it's adorable.

"For you to pillage and plunder with." He straightens the hat, and continues out of the room. As he leaves he hears Jensen's voice "….Cool!"

And he allows himself a small smile.

Of his faith, he hadn't had a crisis exactly, but there were some conflicts between his upbringing and his feelings. Eventually he came to the conclusion that he had done far worse in his life than love, and he couldn't believe that God would be angry with him over something so clean, and gentle, as his love for Jensen. Not when He had so many other things to choose from.

He loves Jensen, and he is long past being ashamed of it.

But until Jensen gives him a reason to think otherwise, to think that the love they share goes beyond a curiously deep, yet platonic level, he's going to keep it to himself.

Jensen is a good man, and a devoted friend.

He can continue to keep the details of his love a secret.

* * *

Things remain platonic between them for a long time.

A very long time.

They hardly get any time at all, in fact.

It all changes after Cougar thought Jensen was dead.

After he realizes that Jensen managed to escape, that he didn't get blown to pieces in that explosion.

And here he is. Wet, and smelling like smoke and fuel and a bit of that liquor that he'd spilled, standing beside him and gloating over his victory… it's too much. Cougar is not made of stone.

He runs to him. Throwing himself at him he wraps his legs around Jensen's waist, his arms around his neck, and buries his face in the hollow between Jensen's neck and shoulder.

In a corner of his mind he is aware of how absurd he looks, like someone out of a cheesy romantic film ("Not just cheesy," Jensen would say " _Velveeta_ cheesy") but he can't be bothered to care.

Very carefully, very briefly, oh, DADT has taught them so well, he presses a kiss to Jensen's neck. He has no idea what the repercussions will be, but he loves Jensen. And now he needs him to know it.

Jensen cracks a joke, and brushes it off. Cougar says no more. They move on, and he thinks that's the end of it. And it is.

Until they are alone.

It is in the dark, empty hours of the night. Cougar can hear Jensen fidgeting. There is no sound except the rustle of the bedclothes and his quiet breathing. But the silence is loaded with anticipation.

He hears Jensen get up and check the door, giving it a push and latching it closed. He rises up onto his elbows, waiting.

Jensen comes over to the bed, Cougar can just see the gleam of his glasses. "Cougar?" A breath, a whisper.

"Jake."

Jensen crawls into bed beside him, burying his face in Cougar's chest. Cougar brings his hand up, to cup the back of Jensen's head. They stay like that for a while, the gentle rise and fall of Cougar's chest lulling them into comfort.

Cougar is almost asleep when he hears it, Jensen whispering into his skin.

"I love you. I've loved you for such a long time." He raises his head "And I didn't know what to do about it." He pauses, weighing, deciding. "But I have an idea now, and I think it'll be good. But if it's not, tell me, and we'll go back to how if was, no harm no foul. Okay?"

"Okay."

Jensen shifts a bit, and brings a hand up to Cougar's face. Stroking a thumb over his cheekbones, his jawline, settling on his pulse. " I'm in awe of you, Cougar."

They are so close, mere inches away.

Cougar tips his head into Jensen's hand, closing his eyes to savor the touch, to be able to remember it forever. His hands trail up Jensen's spine, and he hears Jensen's breath shake, and feels his body tremble.

Jensen kisses him. His lips are softer than he was expecting, and his little beard tickles his chin. Jensen has cupped the side his face with one hand, the other is moving down his side. Cougar kisses him back, slowly. ' _Savor this._ ' he thinks ' _We_ _may not get tomorrow_.'

Jensen breaks the kiss, removing his glasses. He begins to plant open-mouthed kisses down Cougar's neck and throat.

Cougar gasps, and tightens his arms around him, pulling him closer. Jensen hums against his skin, and Cougar can feel his smile. It's the smile, teeth and lips against skin, that pushes Cougar over. Jensen is here, in his bed, kissing him, all of him, and enjoys it, he _wants_ to be doing this.

Cougar brings him up and kisses him, open-mouthed, and passionate. Trying to push all of his love and emotions into that kiss. He is so full, he feels so much, he thinks he may actually die.

He doesn't even realize he is crying until Jensen pulls away, concern on his face and in his voice, wiping at the wetness tracking down Cougar's cheeks.

"Are you alright?"

Cougar can only shake his head, he is incapable of speech.

"Cougar?" Jensen is starting to become afraid. "Carlos! You gotta talk to me, what's going on? Is this bad?" He gestures between them "What did I do? I'm sorry, for whatever it is. Just, tell me."

Cougar places a finger on Jensen's lips, shakes his head again. "There is nothing wrong." He shushes the beginning of Jensen's protest. "I love you...I love you. That is all." _That is all, and that is everything_ , he thinks, _I love you, and you love me. The world is going to hell and all I want is for you to just keep on kissing me._ "I'm sorry" he says, apologetically. "It is so much."

Jensen understands. He always does. "I know baby, believe me, I know."

They kiss again. It is sweet, and good. The panic and desperation has gone out of their touch, leaving love and reassurance in it's place.

They do not make love that night (or any night. There is just no time). That would be too much, too soon, and they both know it. But they stay together, wrapped close around each other, skin to skin. They rest in each other, and they are comforted.

* * *

Their last day together is spent in hell.

Blood, and bullets, and smoke.

And bombs.

There is screaming. His screaming. Shouting at Cougar, they can make it out, the both of them. And don't you fucking _dare_.

And so Cougar tells him.

He's been shot too many times, he's not getting out of here alive. He is actively bleeding out, right now.

And the screaming doesn't stop, it won't stop. The children, that man in the dark. They haunt him, he has no peace. They are always there, screaming at him whenever he closes his eyes, and they will never stop.

He tells Jensen that he loves him, that he's doesn't _want_ to leave, he has just been left with no other choices.

And Jensen needs to go. Now.

Jensen stares at him. He can't look away. Cougar is sitting there, blood pouring of him, pooling on the floor beneath him, quietly instructing Jensen on how to save himself, just as calmly as he always has. While he cuddles that _FUCKING_ bomb to his chest.

Jensen crumbles beside him, gathering him in his arms he buries his face once more, (and for the last time) in Cougar's chest.

"I love you."

He's crying.

" Cougar, don't…"

Cougar's arms come up around him, and he holds him. It's not enough, not nearly long enough, but then Cougar is pushing him away, "You need to go." He keeps saying " I love you. I love you, I love you. And you need to go."

Jensen swallows, puts his face back together, and tamps everything down, down, _down_. He'll have to deal with it later, when he stand to face it. But for now, he has to be a solider.

He turns, and runs. He has to. If he doesn't run, he'll never leave. And he has to at least get Pooch home. So he runs.

* * *

Cougar tips hid head back, resting against the wall.

He's tired, so tired. He just wants it to be over, to rest.

But he can't, not yet. He has to give Jensen time.

He gathers himself, and opens a panel on the bomb. Pulling out two wires, he strips them and waits, one in each hand.

….Finally.

Men are surrounding him, guns trained on his head, his chest. He closes his eyes. When he opens them, his vision is starting to go dark at the edges. He's running out of time.

He thinks of that face in the dark, of what used to be a man, screaming for mercy.

He thinks of the children, all those children, their little faces burn in his dreams.

He takes a deep breath, it hurts, he can barely manage it. He has no more time. He looks around him.

At the men, frozen in indecision because of the death he holds so carefully in his lap.

At the blood, seeping around him in a crimson pool, it glitters when he looks at it. It would be almost beautiful, if it didn't mean he was dying.

At his hands, that are starting to tremble.

He has no time.

He thinks of Jensen (they never had any time. They had all of time). Sending up one last prayer, that he will be kept safe (he's given so many over the years, petitioning God, and all the saints, over and over again for Jensen's protection).

" _Vaya con Dios, angelitos._ "

And he touches the wires together.

* * *

He sees the explosion, when it happens. From the helicopter as he and Pooch fly away, he sees it. He watches as everything that meant anything to him is blotted out faster than the snap of a finger, burning away to nothing.

He cries. Silently.

His shoulders don't even shake. But he cries, and he doesn't stop.

* * *

Sometimes, when Jensen wakes up, he's sure he can smell it, the scent of heat, and death.

He rolls over on his back, one arm flung over his eyes, the other hand clutching Cougar's photograph.

He can't cry anymore.

It's been days since he last drank anything. Just a simple case of dehydration.

He sits up. In the bedside table is a pistol. He takes it in hand, and just looks at it. The answer to all his problems, right there. Six beautiful little bullets. He opens the chamber and thumbs one out. It's so small, lying there in his palm.

How can such a small thing kill a man?

It facinates him.

He reloads the bullet and spins the chamber, listening to the whir and click.

He places the muzzle against his temple. Breathes, _In, out. Slow._ He wants it so, so badly.

He closes his eyes, pictures it. He'll squeeze the trigger, the bullet will explode out of the barrel and smash into his skull, it's a high enough caliber that it'll exit through the other side of his head. Hell, his whole fucking head might even explode.

Then all his troubles will be over. It probably won't even hurt.

Then he'll be gone, drifting into oblivion. Maybe he'll find Cougar again. Stranger things have happened.

All that would remain would be his body, a broken, useless, shell. The room of course would be a total loss, chunks of bone and brain in the carpet, on the bed. Blood spatter over everything, soaking into the walls, that shit mattress. The aftermath for the owner would be terrible. And he wouldn't have to be a part of any of it.

He opens his eyes and sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face. Leaning over he replaces the gun in the desk.

He can't.

Because if he does, Pooch will be the first one to find him. And while he's seen a whole lotta shit in his life, Jensen doesn't want to leave Pooch to deal with this on his own.

They're the only ones left. They're going to need each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Question. Would this read better if it were cut up into chapters? 
> 
> Thoughts, comments, and critiques, are always appreciated.


End file.
